Four insightful years since you woke up from the illusion that is life & each year I feel both our souls getting freer and more expansive
At times when I miss you, I find myself gazing in to space, confused and bewildered at how you could bring yourself to leave your children, it may not sound rational, but I believe that even in death we are given free will to either continue with earthly life or to transcend, and so for a split second I weave in to a state of rage and fury at how you decided to leave and abandon us, but then my breath grounds me back in to my truth, and I focus on releasing the shadowy echo of my physical mind, which sits in the density of mother Gaia, for it continues to crave external need for physical attachment, connectivity, nurture and love.
Being a mother two years out of the four lost years with you has taught me much about our relationship, and about the woman I am today.
Motherhood has exposed me to my own wounded inner child; the little girl in me that I've had to re-nurture and love.
It's taught me the power of unconditional and unwavering love and the profound psychic bond which exists between a mother and her child, and most of all, it has exposed and cracked me wide open to the depths of my own vulnerability, but during the journey through darkness I have found the greatest source of inner strength, which resides at my very core.
The gift of motherhood is intensely joyous, it's rewarding, it's exhilarating, but at times it's also deeply challenging, and a dark and lonely place to be. Yet I have learned to honour all of it, even the darkness and the confusion, for I have come to realise that much wisdom resides beneath the murky exterior of that which is "the self".
Through the journey of motherhood I now know you better mamma, I know what you experienced, and what challenged you, and what eventually expanded your soul.
I guess I have somewhat come to terms for not having you with me. I've made peace with the loss to a degree at which it's possible to live with the void through acceptance and perseverance, and although my physical mind still craves you, and continues to miss your physical presence and love, I have steered myself towards the road of self mastery in exercising the art of loving and nurturing myself, all of me, including the abandoned and wounded little girl inside... So Thank you for the gift of life mamma. I love you deeply and I honour your legacy and the imprint you left on my life. I am all that I am because of you, all of you, your light, your shadow and your expansive spirit.